Last Few Month

I moved and am currently in a new state and city. I spent $16, 000 on a lawyer to get this far. J.D showed up by phone to court, ranting about this being unfair. He said he was a good father that always paid his child support. He said that he never gave me verbal permission to move and planned to file and opposition to my move. That was in August. I left with verbal permission to move. In October we had another court date and J.D still had not filed an opposition. At this hearing he said I was crazy and was worried about his son’s safety. The judge asked if he was seeking custody and J.D. said, ‘Oh no not custody I just want it know that she is unstable.”

We were ordered in to mediation and ordered to have our financial disclosures turned in by October 27th.

Mediation turned out to be a waste of time. J.D got angry because I was not going to be punished. He wanted me to have to move back to Las Vegas so he could establish a relationship with our son and then I could move. He is obsessed with the idea that I kept our son from him. I mentioned to the mediator that the Judge had evidence of the emails, texts and phone calls for the last year showing all my attempts to get J.D to call his son or visit. J.D said he could prove I had ‘denied him the ability to be a father.’ He just didn’t have anything showing this, but his word was enough.

We go to court in 2 days. This hell is still not over. Somehow in mediation we agreed on 3 phone calls a week and he is actually calling our son and talking to him. I wonder for how long.

Court Date

My court date is in 12 days. In 12 days I find out if a judge will allow my son to move to Washington with me.  I can’t believe that my life has come down to a judge’s decision.

J.D. gave me verbal permission to move three times, but with something thrown in for himself.

“You can move, if the wage garnishment is dropped.”

I called the state and they said that in order for the wage garnishment to be stopped, I have to close my case. If I close my case they won’t go after the back child support he owes. I will have to trust that J.D will pay what he owes.

J.D. told me he could care less about where our son lives, he just wants to make my life miserable. To make this more hellish, J.D is deployed and is using the Serviceman’s Civil Relief Act to stall the process. I understand the Act, I do, but J.D is not involved with our son, he lives 5 hours away and has visited only 4 times and each of those times was for just a few hours. One time he came to visit and left after 45 minutes. He is using the Serviceman’s Civil Relief Act to punish me.

I have a job waiting for me in Washington, and I have an ex-husband deployed that won’t allow my son to move with me.

I could have moved and he never would have known.  His next scheduled visit isn’t until Thanksgiving, I could have moved and he would have been clueless, but I did the right thing and he is going to use that against me.

My carefully constructed life has become a mess. I am currently $6,0000 in debt in lawyers fees, my job is in another state and my ex-husband won’t let me move. I  try to remain hopefully that the judge will grant me a temporary order to move, but I have much hope.

Dear Ali,

Dear Ali or as I often think of you-the dog sitter. Yes he has dogs so he needs someone to care for them while he is deployed that means he needs you.

My lawyer said that you signed for the Certified Letter serving J.D with court papers. How ironic! I hope you read those court papers and I hope you see what your future will be if you decide to have kids with J.D. I don’t blame you, I really don’t, you just happened to have the Craig List ad that J.D. picked to answer. You and your boyfriend were looking for a threesome with a bi-guy and J.D answered.  True irony with that one as he said he was straight.  J.D always said that he never met you, you just exchanged naked photos, flirty texts and emails. He said he bonded with you over shared trauma and sexual fantasies.  You knew he was married and knew he had a son. You told me you were in love with him and he was yours. He said you were joking that you were just friends. He insists even today that you were just his friend, after I left he needed a roommate so you happened to move in and he was lonely one night so he slept with you. That is what he says, but hey he’s a liar so what do I know!

How did that feel to move in the day after I left? You had to clean up the crap that I left and I’m not talking things, but emotional crap. You had to deal with J.D and the emptiness in his soul. How did you feel hearing him cry hysterically on the phone to me, about how could I leave?? Did you happen to take the right side of the bathroom sink, the one I left empty? How about the the time he came to Vegas to visit his son and you blew up his phone and he ignored you. Ugh, been there!  I know you don’t want him talking to me and you fear he will cheat on you. Don’t fear it, he will cheat on, I know he already has.

You dear dog sitter are now 25, don’t get too much older. J.D. needs to maintain his youthful appearance. I noticed in his ads on Craig’s List he shaved off a few years on his age and added a few inches to his height (27 and 6’2? More like 32 and 5’10!). You know about J.D and his past, you know that he is stuck as a 12 year old boy. He is a broken man, the more I talk to him about the court thing, I think he may be slightly out of touch with reality. I’m sure when you opened the court papers and read them you felt so sad for poor J.D.

I realize that you will most likely stay around, you know about his sexual issues and seem to have no problem with them. Does it not feel weird to see your man seeking out rape fantasies with older men? Is is strange that he has so many pictures of dick? You dear dog sitter will most likely stay, he needs someone to feed the dogs and get his mail while he gone! He is yours know, enjoy!

Love the 2nd ex- wife (yes there was a #1, guess who #3 will be?)

Permission Denied Says the Absent EX

My attorney served my ex the papers, requesting permission to move my son out of state. We asked for permission to move, keeping the same visitation since he has only visited once per year for the last 4 years. My ex DID NOT sign the papers. Instead he harassed my lawyer’s office and called me 6 times. I finally talked to him and he said he would let me move if I agreed to stop the wage garnishment for child support and reduce his child support. He said he would have a conference call with my attorney and explain to her what he wanted written up.

My response was ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I explained that the wage garnishment was his own doing as he owed $1300 in back child support. The state garnished his wages after he decided not to pay for 2 months. He says if I agreed to never have his wages garnished and lower the child support amount and put it all in writing I can move. He is already paying less child support and doesn’t bother helping out with any extra costs.  Yet he wants to pay less! He makes almost $70,000 a year to my $45,000.

He actually tried to quote me the Federal guidelines for child support. His argument was Nevada calculated his child support wrong. Actually they did. Nevada calculated child support on the amount he told the court he made, which was a lie about $15,000 worth of lies.

How is any of this just and fair? How is that he gets any say in where I move Jude? He visits once a year, when I mentioned that, he said, “Oh you won’t let me see him more than that.” That is bull, I have begged this idiot to see his son and develop a relationship. Then he says, “My work schedule is crazy, when he’s older I will visit more.” When Jude is older it will be too late. We live 5 hours away from J.D. and during the past 4 years he has driven that drive four times. Each of those four visits lasted a few hours, once he came by on his way out of town and stayed for 45 minutes. How is that any kind of visit?

I don’t know I thought that J.D would actually cooperate. He is all about hurting me and to do that he hurts our son.

Has anyone else had this problem, trying to move? Thoughts? I am completely blown away by all of this. I am curious what others have experienced.

May I have Permission to Move?

I’ve wanted to move for the last five years, since JD and I separated and I had to leave California. For the last 2 years it has started to take shape. I researched where to live, schools, etc. Last year when JD came for his annual visit I mentioned that I wanted to move. He said, “I’ll think about that.” I let it go.

Now I have lost my job, company is cutting back and I was one of 20 let go. Last year I had settled on a place in Washington and planned for a move next year, 2016. With my job loss, I thought why not move now, why not go.

Why not? Because I’m divorced and share a child with someone. Even though for the last five years, JD has visited 4 times, I still have to get his permission to take our child out-of-state. To make this even more fun, his phone is shut off and he’s been calling me from a number in Florida. He won’t say where he is, says he’s over seas. I asked him last week if there was a way for me to contact him, he said, I had to just sit and wait for him to call and oh yeah, his son better be available to talk whenever he calls.

I have an attorney now, one that seems okay, but she tells this isn’t going to be easy. JD can throw out anything and everything and because he is the dad the courts will most likely listen. I emailed him a few days ago, telling that I needed his permission to move our son out-of-state. I called the Florida number and was told I couldn’t leave a voice mail. My attorney is hoping we can serve him and then we can go from there.

I am so incredibly pissed off that I am in this situation, unable to move unless he says it is okay. Yet he goes about his life, moving and buying a house and not telling me the address, getting deployed and being unavailable for months at a time, visiting once a year and calling every three or four months and I have to get his permission.

Did I mention I am mad? I have prayed all day for God to take this anger and give me peace, but it isn’t working. I feel like my life isn’t mine. I am subject to the whims of court and he can come in and screw up everything whenever he feels like and I have to make sure and maintain the non-existent bond between him and his child or risk being seen as alienating.

Denied

Today I opened my email and got this from JD:

You have denied me the ability to be apart of my son’s life by telling me to email 24 to 48 hours before I call (which you have now in this email said 12 to 24 hours). That was never in the arrangement and was never agreed upon. I should be able to talk to my son whenever I want and he is willing. You told me you would be flexible with visitation  when we did the divorce, because of my job and what I do, yet I was in Vegas for a week for our final battle problem in February 2015 and I called you constantly, text and emailed, with no response. You cheated me out of seeing my son for a week before I deployed, not fare or right for Jude. 
I have never denied your ability as a mother, you are great, but not letting a boy see and spend time with his father is life damaging. All I have ever wanted to do was be a father and a damn good one under the circumstances. I believe you are so consumed with emotional vengeance for some reason, that it has clouded your judgement as it pertains to Jude’s best interests. 
The child custody and visitation will be addressed when I get back from deployment because no good father should be denied the right to be apart of his son’s life and be a father.   

Our custody papers give JD 25 hours a year of visitation. The first 6 supervised by me. He has completed 1 visitation since our divorce.  His words really hurt me and stirred a myriad of emotions of me. When I know he is deployed I get scared that something will happen to him and what will that mean to Jude. I have this magical thinking that one day JD and I will be able to be amicable and actually be friends. Magically thinking on my part, I know, but I harbor the hope that one day we can sit at some sport/music/school activity of Jude’s and be okay with one another. If he dies that chance is gone.

My other thoughts were him saying that I have denied his ability to father.  He agreed to seeing Jude 25 hours a year, 5 visits for 5 hours each because of his addictions. I agree that I would be willing to be flexible if he showed interest in Jude and made attempts to call/email/snail mail. He told me when Jude is older he would be more involved in his life.  I asked him to email before he calls so I can make sure Jude is available.  I suggested a regular time for phone calls, but JD said that with his work schedule he couldn’t stick to any regular set time for calls.  I allowed a visit back in November an unscheduled one, we met at the park and I was careful to stay as far from JD as possible. He kept trying to talk to me and I had to keep telling to go play with his son. He stayed for 2 hours and then had to go. Jude didn’t hear from again until his birthday in December.

His words are aimed so perfectly at my insecurities.  Am I consumed with ’emotional vengeance’? Am I refusing JD’s access?  I know that I still have anger towards JD, but I am careful to conceal that from Jude. I will ask Jude at several times a month if he wants to call his Dad.   He usually declines.  I asked for email contact between us for several reasons, one he lies about things and forgets he agreed to something and it becomes so hostile and angry. I have tried to talk on the phone with him, but it usually ends in both of us spewing anger. I have suggested we sit down with a counselor or mediator, he says there is no need as everything is my fault. When Jude has called his Dad, I give Jude my phone and leave the room.

How is that I created a child with person and now we can’t speak or even be in the same room as one another?

Silence is Golden

Today I got a message from the FBI that I need to call them about JD. He is trying to obtain a Top Secret security clearance. He told me awhile ago that he was doing this and not to ruin it for him. He said that I shouldn’t lie. I said I have nothing to lie about, the truth is bad enough. In JD’s head if he says it didn’t happen, it didn’t

When I spoke to the agent, I felt sick. I wanted to throw up. I always thought that if given the chance I would tell everything about JD. Sex addiction? Check, Affair? Check, Craigslist ? Check ! The funny thing is, is that one of things the agent is looking for is if JD might have anything that he could be blackmailed about. Um yes, he signed the divorce papers because he didn’t want to go to court and have people find out about his sexual adventures.

A little voice said, SAY NOTHING.  JD told me months ago that if he got this security clearance he would be making so much he could help out financial with Jude more.  That’s a total lie because right now he is making good money and pays less than the minimum for child support.

Part of me is so pissed off that everything seems to be working out so great for JD. He couldn’t hold a job when he was with me, yet now he has a job and a house and just such a fun life.  I don’t get how a person that advertised on Craig Lists, using his own picture as a bisexual, submissive can get a security clearance. It frightens me.

Bible verses keep running through my head, ‘turn the other cheek, treat others how you wanted to be treated.’  I know what I have to do. The right thing isn’t always the easy thing and frankly it pisses me off!

Feb. 13th

The day before Valentine’s day, that made up holiday. If I see one more Kay’s Jewelry commercial I may gouge my own eyes out. Don’t get me wrong I am not anti-love and relationships, it is just enough already. Vday feels like another reminder that I don’t fit in. I don’t want to see pictures of your husband/boyfriend/lover spoiling you with flowers, chocolates and little love notes. So I guess I’ll be skipping Facebook for the next week!  This isn’t about the gift either because JD usually needed a photograph of the item and then he never had the money so I ended up paying for my own gift.

I think I’m nostalgic for that feeling of being in love. I remember that rush of love, feeling like I couldn’t wait to be with the person that I loved. I miss the feeling of having another person care about me, that takes the time to pay attention to me. I miss having another person to share my life with me.  Usually I don’t feel this way, I am pretty content in my life, (although if you are reading this you may think I’m the biggest whiner)!  Sometimes I feel like I won’t have any other chances at love. That old 3 strikes, although I think Elizabeth Taylor had like 8 chances!

I’m feeling like I’ve lost my best friend, when in fact I haven’t had a best friend in years. Many of my friends have slipped away, we seem to have grown apart, simply liking a picture every few weeks does not make a close friendship. Maybe instead of feeling loved, maybe I just need a friend.

June2013 006

Visiting Hours

Yesterday JD showed up at my house. Jude and I were having breakfast and he knocked on the door and there he was. I don’t know why I opened the door. I kept stepping back, using the door as a barrier between us. He said that he was in town for 3 weeks and was now on his way back to San Diego, but had stopped by to see Jude.  Jude didn’t want to see him.  Could be because JD was angry, yelling and cursing at me.  He says I won’t let him see his son, he says its obvious Jude is messed. I guess because his 4-year-old son having seen his dad a total of 4 times refuses to come to the door that equals messed up. Jude refused to speak to him or even look at him. Later after JD had left, Jude said, “He was yelling your name. Why was he yelling?” I honestly had no answer because I could barely focus on JD. I should have shut the door, not allowed him to yell and curse while our son tried to eat his breakfast. Later today Jude said, “You know why I didn’t talk to him? I just wanted peace and quiet. He was yelling.”

Again JD said our son was soft, a wimp because he was afraid to come to the door. “You coddle him, he’s going to get his ass kicked in school.” I didn’t know what to say to him, I was frozen, watching this happen.

He was there at my front door for 5 minutes, I am not sure what he wanted. He kept saying to see his son, but when I said he could, he would begin to call me names, telling me how I had screwed up his life and was ruining his relationship with his son.  I am not sure how I am destroying his relationship with his son. I am not sure visiting once a year and calling maybe 6 times a year is a relationship. I am not sure how I screwed up his life. He lives in a $420,000 house in San Diego he makes almost $6,000 a month, he is perhaps alone, but that was his choice not mine.

Stranger

After 19 months JD came to see our son Jude.  Two weeks ago he had mentioned he would be stopping by on his way back from training in Northern Nevada. For myself I dreaded the visit, seeing him after so long. I hoped it would get easier, but it didn’t.

We met for breakfast and I could hardly look at him, so many memories. Jude warmed up to him  and was excited by the attention.  JD wasn’t too sure how to talk to him and for the most part I prompted and suggested topics of conversation. We ended up at a park and that is where I mentally just lost it. Jude and I had been to that park so many times before. I had watched Jude playing with other kids and once I remember this kid and his Dad playing and Jude watching them. The Dad had eventually included Jude in the play and while that made me feel good, it also broke my heart at the loss of Jude’s own father.

 Of course JD brought out the football. I watched Jude trying to catch to it and JD bragging about how he was a natural.  I tried to stay far away to remove myself from the area and let Jude and JD get to know each other. At one point JD had thrown the football to another kid and Jude yelled out,  “That’s my dad!”  Jude was possessive of his Dad.  That made me cry because of all the things that JD had missed out. I know it’s JD’s own choosing, he uses the excuse of work. I get he is a Navy Seal, but really he’s ‘worked’ for 19 months straight with no more than a few hours off.  JD lives 5 hours from us and yet can’t seem to find the time to see his son.
JD sat next to me a few times and we tried to have a conversation.  After 19 months of almost of no contact JD thought he should critique my parenting skills. His top complaints were that  Jude is too sensitive, I’m overprotective. He’s afraid Jude will be a ‘geek’ he’s got to learn to be a man. When Jude didn’t want to do something because he was scared, JD told he shouldn’t be scared. He said it isn’t okay to be scared. It frustrated me. How is he coming in and talking about how I raise our son?
 I admit I was frantically texting friends asking for prayers/support/encouragement anything to get me through.  At one point I had to just get up go to my car because I was crying so hard and felt so defeated. I felt like my heart had been ripped out. This person who had once been my everything, my soul mate (what a joke), my lobster (don’t ask) is a stranger. I couldn’t even manage to ask how he was as I was afraid of the answer.   How does this person who shared my life, this person that was my best friend just become a stranger?
  I saw him choke up as he said good bye to Jude and I felt so sad for him and us. I wanted to tell him that it would all be okay, but truly that isn’t my place.