I needed the time to heal. It took me so long to get over J.D. to get over the lies. I have never had a break up when the ex and I didn’t apologize, forgive and become amicable. I still exchange yearly emails with one of ex’s. I have never had the hate and animosity that followed J.D. and I.
I spent the last 5 years in therapy, in groups and classes, looking at myself, pulling myself apart like some Thanksgiving turkey, looking for what it was about me that contributed to this. I read all the books and completed the workbooks, I have dug down and shoveled the shit and did the work. I refused to be involved in any relationship, but to solely focus on myself and my son.
I have had one long relationship since I was 19, with 3 different husbands. At 36, I was alone with myself. I needed that, needed that silence that place without the them and just me. It ugly business to peel myself apart to see what lay underneath all that I presented to the world.
Five years later, I am left with me finally.