I have been binge watching T.V on Netflix. After my son goes to bed, I spend several hours watching old episodes of shows. I was watching Friends, the episode where Monica and Chandler and get married. When the showed aired, I was in the military, and in one dysfunctional marriage or another. I never really watched the shows. Somehow I landed on that episode, when Monica and Chandler get married. They of course followed the path, first comes loves then marriage then babies. In reality does that ever really work?
My own life has strayed so far from the fantasy of T.V. I don’t have my adoring Chandler to find all my quirks endearing nor do I have a group of friends to keep me company at the coffee house. Most days I like my life, but some days I miss the life I thought I was supposed to have.
I remember marrying J.D. thinking that we were actually doing this, that we were going to make it. When I told him I was pregnant, he said, “I can’t really focus on that right now, I just failed the dive portion of SEAL training.” I covered for him, saying that he was really excited, but very focused on his training. He never really got excited about the pregnancy, never even opened many of the emails I sent hi m about updates on my pregnancy. His biggest concerns was that I wasn’t eating meat and our baby would be born lacking some essential nutrients because of this.
I never noticed or acknowledged his lack of interest in me or the pregnancy. When he bought a surf board instead of a crib, I flipped out on him, but still blamed it on his being so focused on training. The reality was and is that I lied to myself and helped him cover up who he really was and is.
I don’t think I will ever get my T.V. show happy ending.