The Best Mom

When Jude was born I had no clue what I was doing. I had prepared, read a few books, and bought all the required items, but I had no idea what I was actually doing. The first night home from the hospital he cried every time, I put him down. My mom and I took turns staying awake holding him. At one point during the next 10 days, I was desperately trying to figure out how I was supposed to sleep and get up every few hours to nurse and stay awake while I nursed him. This just seemed impossible. I finally stumble upon the idea of Attachment Parenting and co-sleeping. That made all the difference in the world. I purchased a sling and co-sleeper. I carried J.D in a sling and nursed him on demand. At night I stayed awake for his midnight feeding and then off to sleep I went until 7 a.m. He nursed the night away when he wanted and I got some sleep.

J.D was in San Diego during this time. He was in Navy Seal training and had come for Jude’s birth and for 10 days at Christmas. From January to July I was in Las Vegas and J.D was in San Diego. I remember telling J.D about Attachment Parenting and co-sleeping. He said that was fine with co-sleeping, but he wasn’t comfortable with a baby in the bed and really Jude should be in his own crib.

I know had J.D and I stayed together I would not have been a very good mom. I was divided on trying to make him happy and put the needs of my son first. I remember J.D telling me when Jude was 3 months old that it seemed like I was more interested in the baby than in him. Um really? He told me he couldn’t wait for him and I to get back to how we were. I didn’t question that, thinking that somehow I could balance my son and my asshole husband.

When I moved to San Diego, he talked of buying a motorcycle. I asked how exactly that would work with our son. His solution was that he would ride the bike to work and then we could get a baby sitter for the weekends and take off on the bike. He wanted me to join a gym with him and start working out like we had done before Jude was born. Once again, I asked him how that was going to work. He said I could meet him at the gym when he got off work. I said, “So you will work until 5 or 6 and then we will meet at the gym and work out  until 7 or 8 and then we go home and Jude goes to bed?” He said that sounded fine as Jude was a baby, and not likely to miss out or care.

No way would I have been able to spend time with my son and meet any of his needs had I stayed married to J.D. J.D had no concept of a child or putting anyone except himself first. At least once a day I am thankful my marriage imploded and I got the opportunity to be the best mom I can be.

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