It’s been quiet. For once in the last 5 years, it has been calm. When I left J.D. I was so afraid, I feared things getting ugly. In my co-dependency I wanted to help and fix. I tried to fix his cheating, help him with his screwed up new girlfriend, while we were still married. I was so afraid of having him leave my life and so afraid of being a single mother, of being alone and on my own. I feared my son being raised without his father. I wanted to hang on to the image of a family, a mom and dad for my son.
I spent so much time attempting to fix J.D., talking to him on the phone, listening to him cry and moan about his screwed up childhood and his messed up life. I tried to fix his life while he was trying to destroy mine. Oh the irony!
It is freeing to be in this stage of my life. To know J.D’s choices no longer effect me or my son. His inability to hang on to a job or control his spending, no longer my problem. His inability to keep from soliciting strangers on Craig’s List or exchanging phone numbers with anyone under the age of 24? No longer my problem to deal with. I remember after the first time I found a text from a girl to J.D. “Hey sexy, I miss your sweet ass!!” I sat on the floor at 2 a.m. looking at that text wondering who this girl was. I wondered if I should delete the text, but I knew there would be more. I wondered if I should text back, call her and scream at her, but I knew that wouldn’t change anything. It wasn’t this girl it was J.D. I knew that, I knew in that moment, the problem wasn’t me or the girl, but J.D. What did I do with that text? I woke J.D up and listened to his excuse, ‘She’s just a girl from a college class. That’s how people talk to each other. You don’t get it because you have issues, but that is how friends joke around.’ I accepted that, took the blame. I buried my head, waited for the the next explosion and slowly destroyed who I was.