Today I opened my email and got this from JD:
Our custody papers give JD 25 hours a year of visitation. The first 6 supervised by me. He has completed 1 visitation since our divorce. His words really hurt me and stirred a myriad of emotions of me. When I know he is deployed I get scared that something will happen to him and what will that mean to Jude. I have this magical thinking that one day JD and I will be able to be amicable and actually be friends. Magically thinking on my part, I know, but I harbor the hope that one day we can sit at some sport/music/school activity of Jude’s and be okay with one another. If he dies that chance is gone.
My other thoughts were him saying that I have denied his ability to father. He agreed to seeing Jude 25 hours a year, 5 visits for 5 hours each because of his addictions. I agree that I would be willing to be flexible if he showed interest in Jude and made attempts to call/email/snail mail. He told me when Jude is older he would be more involved in his life. I asked him to email before he calls so I can make sure Jude is available. I suggested a regular time for phone calls, but JD said that with his work schedule he couldn’t stick to any regular set time for calls. I allowed a visit back in November an unscheduled one, we met at the park and I was careful to stay as far from JD as possible. He kept trying to talk to me and I had to keep telling to go play with his son. He stayed for 2 hours and then had to go. Jude didn’t hear from again until his birthday in December.
His words are aimed so perfectly at my insecurities. Am I consumed with ’emotional vengeance’? Am I refusing JD’s access? I know that I still have anger towards JD, but I am careful to conceal that from Jude. I will ask Jude at several times a month if he wants to call his Dad. He usually declines. I asked for email contact between us for several reasons, one he lies about things and forgets he agreed to something and it becomes so hostile and angry. I have tried to talk on the phone with him, but it usually ends in both of us spewing anger. I have suggested we sit down with a counselor or mediator, he says there is no need as everything is my fault. When Jude has called his Dad, I give Jude my phone and leave the room.
How is that I created a child with person and now we can’t speak or even be in the same room as one another?