Denied

Today I opened my email and got this from JD:

You have denied me the ability to be apart of my son’s life by telling me to email 24 to 48 hours before I call (which you have now in this email said 12 to 24 hours). That was never in the arrangement and was never agreed upon. I should be able to talk to my son whenever I want and he is willing. You told me you would be flexible with visitation  when we did the divorce, because of my job and what I do, yet I was in Vegas for a week for our final battle problem in February 2015 and I called you constantly, text and emailed, with no response. You cheated me out of seeing my son for a week before I deployed, not fare or right for Jude. 

I have never denied your ability as a mother, you are great, but not letting a boy see and spend time with his father is life damaging. All I have ever wanted to do was be a father and a damn good one under the circumstances. I believe you are so consumed with emotional vengeance for some reason, that it has clouded your judgement as it pertains to Jude’s best interests. 

The child custody and visitation will be addressed when I get back from deployment because no good father should be denied the right to be apart of his son’s life and be a father.   

Our custody papers give JD 25 hours a year of visitation. The first 6 supervised by me. He has completed 1 visitation since our divorce.  His words really hurt me and stirred a myriad of emotions of me. When I know he is deployed I get scared that something will happen to him and what will that mean to Jude. I have this magical thinking that one day JD and I will be able to be amicable and actually be friends. Magically thinking on my part, I know, but I harbor the hope that one day we can sit at some sport/music/school activity of Jude’s and be okay with one another. If he dies that chance is gone.

My other thoughts were him saying that I have denied his ability to father.  He agreed to seeing Jude 25 hours a year, 5 visits for 5 hours each because of his addictions. I agree that I would be willing to be flexible if he showed interest in Jude and made attempts to call/email/snail mail. He told me when Jude is older he would be more involved in his life.  I asked him to email before he calls so I can make sure Jude is available.  I suggested a regular time for phone calls, but JD said that with his work schedule he couldn’t stick to any regular set time for calls.  I allowed a visit back in November an unscheduled one, we met at the park and I was careful to stay as far from JD as possible. He kept trying to talk to me and I had to keep telling to go play with his son. He stayed for 2 hours and then had to go. Jude didn’t hear from again until his birthday in December.

His words are aimed so perfectly at my insecurities.  Am I consumed with ’emotional vengeance’? Am I refusing JD’s access?  I know that I still have anger towards JD, but I am careful to conceal that from Jude. I will ask Jude at several times a month if he wants to call his Dad.   He usually declines.  I asked for email contact between us for several reasons, one he lies about things and forgets he agreed to something and it becomes so hostile and angry. I have tried to talk on the phone with him, but it usually ends in both of us spewing anger. I have suggested we sit down with a counselor or mediator, he says there is no need as everything is my fault. When Jude has called his Dad, I give Jude my phone and leave the room.

How is that I created a child with person and now we can’t speak or even be in the same room as one another?